It's been almost three weeks. I thought about what to make of this blog. I mean, at the end, I will be fine, life will be fine, but I have been put into a situation that not everyone (thankfully) gets to experience. I thought to myself, why not let people in as to what the experience is really like? So when reading this post, keep that in mind.
This place breaks you, it really does, and I think everybody breaks eventually. I'm having trouble sleeping at night, I find myself starting to isolate but hating the isolation. COVID-19 has a lot to do with it. All House activities cancelled, movie theaters closed, gyms are closing down, things in general are closing down. No visitors allowed in the hospital or at the House.
I always knew I was going to have to do a lot of this journey alone, mostly because of logistics. With a husband who has to work to help pay for the kid to be alive (and the kid already here) and me being able to take short-term disability and then a six month maternity leave (most of it paid and the rest we already have saved for it), I'm able to leave my job with pay.
Things change, though. We decided not to bring the kid and my mom here because they'd be shut in into the room and would have to travel and my mom is in a high-risk group. It's the best choice, if we bring the kid here it'd be because of me, not because of her, and as her parents I have to make sure my decisions are about her and not about me. Even if the kid would be fine, mom really shouldn't travel, and if Wil and I were here with the kid alone, he wouldn't be able to be there for the birth and wouldn't be able to be with the other kid until the epidural wears off and I can go follow the new kid. And we can't leave the first kid along for months, we both want Wil back with her, while I stay here with the new addition.
So three weeks on my own, three weeks with Wil, then he flies back when the kid is two weeks old (he's getting here a week early in case I deliver) and I'm on my own until the kid is released and we both fly back to everyone. I wasn't expecting to be away from the first kid this long without seeing her. Will she hate me? Does she wonder why I won't touch her anymore? Why she only sees me trapped in the box (PC) for half an hour a day? Will she hate me for this choice?
I have protein in my urine that's rising and moderately high blood pressure and I'm being induced early. Everyone says 37 weeks is fine but I feel guilty my body didn't hold on until week 38 3 days later. I have had unmanaged gestational diabetes. I'm on insulin but no amount of insulin kept my blood sugar consistently down. Feel guilty about that, too. It was so easy to have it managed the first time around.
I also just realized once Wil goes back I will have to make on my own any emergent medical decisions that can't wait for a phone. I am -the- most indecisive person in the world, always have been, it's one of my biggest flaws. I am so afraid of making wrong decisions that I end up not making decisions. Now I may be forced to make life-or-death decisions.
I've also been thinking a lot about being a NICU mom, how that's something that's thrust upon you and not really a choice.
So many things thrust upon on me that I have to just.... do. Because that's what you do, you just manage, because there really isn't a choice other than making it. I have to do this journey, and I have to do it mostly physically alone. Skype does help tremendously, though.
When stressful situations are thrust upon me I always end up managing, and that's what will have to happen here. Which in a way if why I feel comfortable in the knowledge that I may be a bit broken right now because of the isolation. Three months ago no one new what the coronavirus was. It wasn't that long ago.
This place breaks you, it really does, and I think everybody breaks eventually. I'm having trouble sleeping at night, I find myself starting to isolate but hating the isolation. COVID-19 has a lot to do with it. All House activities cancelled, movie theaters closed, gyms are closing down, things in general are closing down. No visitors allowed in the hospital or at the House.
I always knew I was going to have to do a lot of this journey alone, mostly because of logistics. With a husband who has to work to help pay for the kid to be alive (and the kid already here) and me being able to take short-term disability and then a six month maternity leave (most of it paid and the rest we already have saved for it), I'm able to leave my job with pay.
Things change, though. We decided not to bring the kid and my mom here because they'd be shut in into the room and would have to travel and my mom is in a high-risk group. It's the best choice, if we bring the kid here it'd be because of me, not because of her, and as her parents I have to make sure my decisions are about her and not about me. Even if the kid would be fine, mom really shouldn't travel, and if Wil and I were here with the kid alone, he wouldn't be able to be there for the birth and wouldn't be able to be with the other kid until the epidural wears off and I can go follow the new kid. And we can't leave the first kid along for months, we both want Wil back with her, while I stay here with the new addition.
So three weeks on my own, three weeks with Wil, then he flies back when the kid is two weeks old (he's getting here a week early in case I deliver) and I'm on my own until the kid is released and we both fly back to everyone. I wasn't expecting to be away from the first kid this long without seeing her. Will she hate me? Does she wonder why I won't touch her anymore? Why she only sees me trapped in the box (PC) for half an hour a day? Will she hate me for this choice?
I have protein in my urine that's rising and moderately high blood pressure and I'm being induced early. Everyone says 37 weeks is fine but I feel guilty my body didn't hold on until week 38 3 days later. I have had unmanaged gestational diabetes. I'm on insulin but no amount of insulin kept my blood sugar consistently down. Feel guilty about that, too. It was so easy to have it managed the first time around.
I also just realized once Wil goes back I will have to make on my own any emergent medical decisions that can't wait for a phone. I am -the- most indecisive person in the world, always have been, it's one of my biggest flaws. I am so afraid of making wrong decisions that I end up not making decisions. Now I may be forced to make life-or-death decisions.
I've also been thinking a lot about being a NICU mom, how that's something that's thrust upon you and not really a choice.
So many things thrust upon on me that I have to just.... do. Because that's what you do, you just manage, because there really isn't a choice other than making it. I have to do this journey, and I have to do it mostly physically alone. Skype does help tremendously, though.
When stressful situations are thrust upon me I always end up managing, and that's what will have to happen here. Which in a way if why I feel comfortable in the knowledge that I may be a bit broken right now because of the isolation. Three months ago no one new what the coronavirus was. It wasn't that long ago.
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